Saturday, November 27, 2010

How to Write a Blog NOBODY Wants to Read

OK. I just read about a dozen blogs that told about "How to write popular blog" but it didn't really help me much. I read somewhere that "everybody is good at something" and it made me think my area of expertise. Yes. I can do many things and well but I just can't write interesting blogs. Then I got it. I write how to write like me - lousy blogs.

Here are my 10 tips for creating UNPOPULAR blog.
My 1. advice is that the first step to make a totally trivial blog is to make up a really corny name for it. Use something you don't have any clue about and make the title as long and as weird as possible. You could write about "UFOs and how to learn to believe in them and not to appear as total idiot". NOBODY CARES if there is a some "better" way to learn to believe in UFOs. It's like trying to teach people to believe in goblins.

Of course the marketing powers alters our believes all the time - why else we would have believed that it is better to wash our mouths with radioactive toothpaste rather than use the regular one? My teacher told me at school in environmental chemistry class that the fluoride in toothpaste works only if you don't rinse it off after brushing your teeth...wouldn't that leave the mouth feeling filthy? I would probably blow bubbles in the corner of my mouth for the rest of the day...great. It reminds me of how much tissue paper I use every month. There isn't a single day that...

And here we get to my advice number 2. When you write about the topic you have chosen, meander a bit(meaning a lot). If you talk about - lets say UFOs - start talking about your fascination to green men and then green t-shirts, green tea and after that you can talk about grass. If that doesn't put your readers to sleep nothing does.

Tip 3. Marketing. Do not tell ANYONE you have a blog. They might even start reading it - probably not finish it, thank G..d - but the visitor counter on your page would notice it instantly (maybe you shouldn't put the visitor count there at all just to be in safe side). Deny the blog page's answer box too, because there is a risk. Those unfortunate readers might comment what they think about your block and it would be embarrassing no doubt about it. Do NOT link anything and please, FORGET the keywords too. So NO search engine!

Advice 4. It is easy to make your blog to even more repulsive and uninteresting by writing wrongly. "Yo cold use many mistook and reeders" get their eyes crossed if they even tried to read your stuff. Me? I don't write perfect English anyway but those of you who use good grammar should stop to do so immediately.

And here we get to my point no 5. If you don't have enough time to fill at least three pages full of gibberish, use copy/paste-method. That makes long babble even longer and suffocates any reader. Do not EDIT anything. "More is merrier!" And enable the text programs word fix. Your words are just fine the way they are.

Tip 6. Use as much old stuff that you can think of. Not anything interesting but something like the old lottery numbers or old info from social pages.

And no. 7. Don't update your blog too often. Once a year is enough.

Advice 8. Fill your pages with commercial banners and other commercial stuff - with no links in any direction of course - if some fool accepts your page for advertising at first place. Get so many big and messy banners as you can for jamming purposes. So you could jam your page in a way it wouldn't open at all or rather to cause it open so slowly that it would banish anyone trying to read your blog. You can use your own pictures for that too.

9. What ever you do, DON'T HAVE FUN. You should only write when you are extremely busy, in a middle of baking, during some good TV program or times when writing your blog prevents you doing something that you REALLY enjoy. Also, keep your topics a bit boring to you too or try to use as much difficult words as possible. Then you will need a dictionary. Use paper dictionaries only for a single word search. Automatic translating programs can create so much more obscure text from sentences that one can imagine.

10. Take exaggerated formal style despite of your topic and remember to short read your text just to make sure it is bad enough. "If it looks bad, sounds bad and basically stinks, it must be bad".

Good luck!